


Ghost Notes

by NachoDiablo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drug Use, Getting Together, M/M, Musicians, Punk, Remus didn't go to Hogwarts, Trans Character, Trans Sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 00:53:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12519212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NachoDiablo/pseuds/NachoDiablo
Summary: R/S Games 2017 - Day 23 - Team SiriusAU where Remus didn’t attend Hogwarts. Sirius is smitten with the cute boy he meets at a punk show, and is determined to win him over.





	Ghost Notes

**Author's Note:**

> **Team:** Sirius  
>  **Title:** Ghost Notes  
>  **Rating:** Mature  
>  **Warnings:** Drug use, Implied sexual situations  
>  **Genres:** Angst, Getting Together, Trans Character, Magical AU  
>  **Word Count:** 12,000  
>  **Summary:** AU where Remus didn’t attend Hogwarts. Sirius is smitten with the cute boy he meets at a punk show, and is determined to win him over.  
>  **Notes:** All song lyrics written by Remus J. Lupin, copyright 1977.  
>  **Prompt:** #23 - “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” - Bob Marley

Ghost Note- A note played on the drum that is felt more than it is heard.

The second half of the 1970s heralded the beginning of the punk explosion in London. The Roxy nightclub, open from December 1976 to April 1978, was where many of the most influential punk bands got their big break- the Clash, the Sex Pistols, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Wire, the Buzzcocks, etc. It was a place where the community was able to flourish, a place where the misfits, outcasts and rabble rousers could come together and say _“fuck it”_ to the world for one night. Although the numerous attempts to shut it down were eventually successful (the building is now the flagship store for Speedo) the Roxy remains a landmark in time of punk, revolution, and change.

\- - - - - - -

 ****_**Saturday, 1 January 1977**_  
_**Official Gala Opening Show**_  
_**The Roxy Presents: The Clash, Chelsea, Sounds, The Lunatics**_

“I don’t know how you talk me into these things.” James is rubbing one of his eyes under his glasses, smearing the eyeliner that Sirius had painstakingly applied before they left Potter Manor.

Sirius frowns at the black smudges on James’ cheek and nose. “I don’t know why I bother talking you into these things. You’re such an embarrassment. Why’d I have to be best mates with a sporty twat?”

“You’re on the bloody team too, you tosser!” James rolls his eyes and shoves Sirius’ shoulder. “Wish McKinnon had never got you hooked on this punk shit. Makes you act a right prat.”

Sirius ignores the look on James' face as they enter the club. James' lips are pressed firmly together in a thin line, making him look for all the world like McGonagall with even dorkier glasses.

Sirius is tired of being on the receiving end of that look. Ever since he'd told his mum to fuck off last August, James has been more critical of Sirius' behavior, whether it be downing an entire bottle of firewhisky by himself _(It's three in the afternoon on a bloody Tuesday!)_ or charming their rat-like dorm mate's pants _(How's he supposed to take a piss if they're permanently stuck to his arse?)_ or hexing the Slytherins more vigorously than usual _(That was dangerously close to dark magic, mate, what the fuck were you thinking?)_

Sirius doesn't care. He's been free of his shit family for months now, living with the Potters as their second son. Although he and his mother finally agreed on something as he crossed the threshold of that hellhole for the last time _(You're no daughter of mine!),_ he's never felt better.

He scans the club quickly. It's dark and dingy, with graffiti on the walls and trash strewn across the floor. Sirius thinks it looks brilliant. "Where's McKinnon? I want to meet these band mates of hers. A witch, a werewolf and a muggle. You don't get any more punk than that."

"I suppose not." James ruffles his hair and looks around. "I don't see her. I'll check the other side of the club. Grab us a pint, yeah?"

Sirius shrugs and heads towards the bar. He drops onto an empty stool and barks out his order without hesitation. He's startled when he hears a warm chuckle bubble up beside him.

"Planning on drinking two pints? You must not have seen the loos yet."

Sirius raises an eyebrow as he turns to look at the bloke who's sitting on the stool next to him. He seems to be around Sirius' own age. He's rather boring looking, Sirius thinks, in his plain white tshirt and tight muggle jeans. Too thin, though Sirius can see signs of wiry muscle on his forearms. He's got a mess of sandy curls hanging over one eye, a half-healed cut on one cheek, and a nose that's slightly too large for his face. Still, when he turns to face Sirius, the small smile playing at the corners of his mouth makes Sirius give him a second look.

Sirius smirks as he slaps down a few muggle notes on the counter. "Didn't figure anyone used the loos at this place for anything but shagging. Was expecting to just pop out to the alley."

"The alley's for shagging, too." The smile on the bloke's face has stretched into a wickedly sunny grin that Sirius can't help but return. He's not really that plain, Sirius thinks. A bit cute, actually.

"Oi, Sirius! Pass down my pint, will you?" James walks over to stand in between Sirius and the bloke, clapping a hand on Sirius' shoulder. The bloke's eyes flicker over to James' hand before he quickly turns back to stare at his own drink. Sirius scowls as he shoves the pint glass down the bar towards James, letting the foam slosh over the sides. James ruins everything, which is proven once again when he knocks his glass over and his drink cascades across the bar and onto the bloke’s jeans.

"Fuck's sake- oh shit! I'm sorry, mate!" James is apologising profusely as he grabs a handful of dirty napkins and shoves them in the bloke's lap.

"Whoa there, er- it's no worries." The bloke has an alarmed look on his face as James' hands creep closer towards his crotch. "Um, I've got it from here, thanks."

James laughs as he raises his hands in the air. "Sorry again, mate, didn't mean to get all pervy on you. If anyone's going to creep on you, it'll be Sirius. Not that he would! Just, y'know, he's- and I'm not- not that you are- ouch!" James hisses and rubs his arm where Sirius has punched him.

"Look, let me start over. I'm James, and I'm very sorry for forcing you to watch me humiliate myself. This is my mate Sirius, who knew I was going to act like a complete prat and dragged me out here anyway, so this is all his fault, really." James sticks his hand out for a shake, grinning widely.

The bloke chews on his lower lip a moment before accepting James' hand. "Remus. Nice to meet you, James. And you, Sirius." Remus raises his eyes to meet Sirius', that infuriating smile back on his face. Sirius smirks as he sees the other boy's gaze drift a bit down Sirius' torso, a slight blush forming on his cheeks.

"So Remus, can I buy you another drink? To make up for Jamie being a git?" Sirius winks as he leans easily against the bar. He kicks James subtly in the shin when he sees the daft expression on his face as his eyes dart between Sirius and Remus.

"I've actually got to go take care of something, but... you're staying for the show, yeah? I'll see you around." Remus ducks his head a bit, rubbing the crook of his left arm, which has a few scars running along it, as he brushes gently past Sirius and disappears towards the back of the club.

Sirius watches him leave, wondering what a quiet bloke like that is even doing at a punk club. He's still staring at the back of the club when a heavy fist pounds him on the back.

"Alright, Black?" Sirius turns to see McKinnon grinning at him from under a shock of green fringe that hangs over her face. Sirius laughs and pulls her in for a hug. He hasn't seen her since she graduated last summer. He's missed having a mate like her at Hogwarts, someone who understands the burden of being a queer punk, stifled by the confines of societal expectations.

"He's alright, just shirty because I interrupted his letch." James ducks Sirius' fist half-heartedly.

"Fuck's sake, Potter, you better not screw with _my_ letch. I've got a bird dropping by after the show for a pint, and I don't want you scaring her off with your fucking loafers and- is that a belt? How'd Sirius let you out of the house like this?" McKinnon's laughing as she flicks James ear.

"I wanted to introduce you to my band mates, but Rob's setting up the amps and Moony's missing. He's always wandering off before shows, the tosser."

Sirius perks up. "Moony? That's the drummer, right? The werewolf?"

McKinnon rolls her eyes. "Yeah, but don't be a prat about it. One night a month he goes feral, but other than that, he's a regular bloke. So just be cool, okay?"

"I can be cool!" Sirius looks affronted. "I'm always cool."

"Stuff it Black, I've got to get on stage." McKinnon musses both James and Sirius' hair before bounding over to the small stage where the drummer and the guitarist are already stationed, hopping up and grabbing a microphone.

"Alright, you fucking wankers! We're the Lunatics, and we're here to fuck you up with some noise!" McKinnon spits into the screaming crowd as the drummer taps out the starting beat. The band roars to life with their first song.

 _They see the teeth marks underneath my kiss_  
_They look past my caress to see my fist_  
_They say, they say_  
_You need to get away_  
_They can’t see it's the pain that makes you stay_

Sirius is a bit impressed. He's been to a few punk shows, and while there's definitely some ace groups out there and the energy of the shows is addictive, most of the bands he hears are crap, with stilted lyrics and poorly played instruments. McKinnon's no Siouxsie Sioux, but she holds her own, and the drummer is pretty boss as he twirls his sticks, licking one suggestively during the chorus with a wink.

Sirius looks a bit closer at the drummer, who looks a bit familiar. He's wearing a white tshirt with the sleeves torn off, and his jeans are splattered with red paint. There's paint on his shirt as well, with a messy anarchy symbol finger painted on his chest. He's got a few piercings in his lip, ears and eyebrow, and his hair-

Sirius inhales sharply. His hair is a mess of sandy curls that hang over one eye. He's the bloke from the bar. That sneaky bastard, acting all shy, when in reality he's a fucking badass.

Sirius barely pays attention as the Lunatics clear the stage and the Clash begin to set up. He's too intent on dragging James to the back room where the Lunatics are wiping the sweat from their brows and packing up their instruments.

"McKinnon! That was bloody brilliant. I didn't know you could write songs like that." James is chattering, but Sirius isn't paying close attention, until his ears perk up at the response.

"Actually, Moony's our main songwriter. Oi, Moony! Come over here!" McKinnon hollers at Remus, who stops fussing with his drum set, walking over to the group, smiling and shaking his head.

"Didn't think I'd see you again so soon." Gone is the confident, provocative bloke that had flipped off the crowd as he'd kicked over an amp at the end of the show. Remus is back to his quiet, unassuming behavior as he smiles pleasantly. It drives Sirius a bit mad, to see that fucking lip ring perched on his shy smile.

"You were bloody brilliant!" James throws an arm around Remus, making the other boy look over at him warily. "McKinnon told me about how you fucked with the Clash's amps before the last show. That must've been ace! Wish you were at school with us, I've been trying to plot this prank for ages, but Sirius and I can't get the logistics right, it'd be great to have someone like you around-"

"Er, thank you, James. Excuse me, I'm going to go out for a fag." Remus deftly slides out from underneath James' arm and hurries towards the back exit.

Sirius immediately follows, mumbling an excuse under his breath, ignoring James' knowing grin as he slips out the back entrance and sidling up next to Remus at the far end of the silent alley. He slouches next to Remus under what he can tell is a warming charm, wordlessly accepting the cigarette that Remus hands over to him, taking a puff and exhaling smoke into the air.

"Sorry about James. He gets... exuberant." Sirius peeks over at Remus, who is chewing at his bottom lip thoughtfully.

"He... you two know, don't you? About me?"

Sirius raises an eyebrow. "You mean about the- why you're called Moony? Yeah, we do."

Remus looks a bit perplexed as he flicks ash onto the pavement. "And it doesn't bother you?"

Sirius shrugs. "Doesn't matter, really, does it?"

Remus chuckles without humor as he drops his cigarette butt to the ground, stubbing it out with his heel. He moves to head back inside, but Sirius reaches out to grab him gently by the shoulder, letting their eyes meet.

"I thought... the songs, they were really brilliant. And your drumming was brilliant as well."

Remus is blushing again, dropping his gaze to the ground. Sirius smirks, moving closer, bending a bit so that their faces are inches apart. The moment Remus raises his face, Sirius quickly presses their lips together.

Sirius is no prude. He has snogged three blokes so far, and has gotten zero complaints. He knows what he's doing. That is, until about three seconds into the kiss, when Remus has Sirius pressed against the brick with one hand threading through his hair, the other gripping his hip. Sirius struggles to keep his breathing under control as Remus’ lips trail their way down Sirius' neck. The cigarette drops from his fingers to the pavement as Remus' hand sneaks under his tshirt.

He's so focused on getting his hands on Remus' arse that it takes him a few moments to notice that Remus' hand has worked its way up to the edge of his binder and stilled there for a moment. Remus pulls away from Sirius' neck to look at him questioningly.

"It's... I'm a _bloke_ , alright, but I haven't- I've got-" Sirius trails off, feeling like he's about to be sick as he feels Remus' hand being pulled away quickly.

He's a bit taken aback when Remus reaches up to cup his face, pressing a kiss to Sirius' cheek and whispering in his ear, " _doesn't matter, really, does it?_ " before dropping to his knees and working Sirius' jeans and pants down his thighs.

As Remus leans into Sirius, running his fingers and teeth and tongue along his most intimate areas, Sirius leans his head back against the brick, closing his eyes and letting his fingers tangle in Remus' curls, letting out a soft moan as he tightens his grip.

_\- - - - - - -_

**Moony- I’m hoping the owl knows where to take this since I didn’t catch your address. Just wanted to confirm that we’re still on to meet at the show on the 29th. I’ll try to come alone but James will likely tag along. He’s already pestering me to ask you about some idea for a prank you mentioned last time we met. I told him to send his own bloody note, so be on the lookout for his ramblings to be headed your way shortly. Can’t wait to see you. -Sirius**

_Sirius- Thank you for the note. It’s nice to hear from you. I don’t really have a proper address at the moment. I’ve been crashing with friends. Nevertheless, yes, your owl found me, as did James’ owl. Tell him I’ll look up that spell modification for him and write back soon. Yes, the Lunatics will be playing at the Roxy on the 29th. I’ll be sure to say hi if I see you, but if it’s a bother to sneak out of school, there’s no need to come. I’m sure Marls will catch up with you another time. -Remus_

**Moony- Of course it’s no bother, you tosser. I wouldn’t miss it. Don’t be daft, I’m obviously not risking the wrath of my beloved head of house to see McKinnon. You’re funny. I like it. Maybe we can grab a pint after the show, if I can get McKinnon to take James off our hands. -Sirius**

_Sirius- We’ll play it by ear after the show, if you end up being able to make it. No pressure. Please tell James not to send me Howlers at six in the morning, even if they are screaming compliments about my research prowess. Even better, please tell him not to be up at six in the morning, full stop. -Remus_

**Moony- Six is sleeping in for that prat. Between quidditch practice and tactical missions for pranks, he’s up at five most days. Don’t worry, I’ve cast disillusionment charms on the backside of all his trousers to avenge you. See you in a few days. You’d better have that lip ring in again. -Sirius**

_\- - - - - - -_

_**_Saturday, 29 January 1977  
The Roxy Presents: Generation X, Penetration, The Lunatics_ ** _

“Can’t believe we’re going to see a band called Penetration. Maybe there’s something to this punk business after all.” James’ snickering is cut short by a howl of pain as Sirius steps heavily on his foot.

“Would it kill you to not act like a complete prat for one night? I don’t want Moony to know his boyfriend’s best mate is a complete square.” Sirius grabs James by the arm and drags him across the street towards the Roxy, bypassing the queue and heading directly to the bouncer.

“Boyfriend, eh? You’re certain about that?” James looks skeptical as Sirius gives their names to the bouncer with a confident grin, smirking as they’re waived through.

“Of course I’m certain. I told you what happened in the alley.” Sirius wriggles his eyebrows suggestively at James, who rolls his eyes. “Plus we’ve been owling back and forth like mad.”

 _ _“You’ve_ _ been owling _him_ , yeah, but-”

“He owls me back. All the time. You wanker.” Sirius is scowling now. “Look, just because we didn’t make some sort of grand declaration doesn’t mean anything. You don’t know the first thing about dating a bloke. It’s not _like_ that.”

“You’ve got me there.” James’ tone is mild as he peers into the crowd. “Look, there’s McKinnon and that bird she’s shagging. And there’s- oh, er… you know, why don’t we head to the bar-”

“Moony!” Sirius follows James’ worried gaze over to the corner of the club, where Remus is holding a drink and standing next to some bloke. Grinning, Sirius gives James a shove and strides over towards Remus, ignoring James’ stammered protests.

Sirius freezes for a moment, narrowing his eyes as he notices the bloke next to Remus bend down to whisper something in his ear, making Remus laugh and shake his head before draining the rest of his drink and setting the empty glass on a table. One of his eyes has some yellowed bruising around it, the remnants of a black eye.

Sirius’ scowl deepens as he notices the bloke’s hand is hovering dangerously low on Remus’ hip. He feels his temper rising as the bloke’s hand slides lower towards Remus’ arse. He sees red when the bloke leans over to press a kiss to Remus’ temple, and Remus has the audacity to fucking _blush,_ as if he _likes_ it.

Sirius pushes his way through the rest of the crowd angrily, not slowing until he’s standing in front of Remus, glaring at the fucking prat who’s manhandling him. “Something I can help you with, mate? Need a few of those fingers broken?”

The bloke looks over at Sirius warily. Sirius is pleased to note he’s got a few inches on the prat. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Who the- I’m the bloke who’s going to bash your fucking skull in if you don’t back off, now.” Sirius is livid as he feels his hands tighten into fists. He can’t understand why Remus looks so confused, or why he isn’t moving away from the creeper.

The bloke backs away from Remus slightly, holding his hands up in a gesture of peace. “Look, mate, I don’t want any trouble-”

“And there’s not going to be any trouble.” James is in between them now, clapping the creeper bloke on the shoulder with a friendly smile. “You don’t mind running along, do you? We’d like to have a word with our mate.” The creeper bloke doesn’t say another word as he quickly heads towards the bar without a backwards glance.

James sighs, turning back to his friends. “Sorry, Remus. Sirius clearly isn’t feeling well, I’ll just take him-”

“What are you on about? I’m bloody fine. I’m just confused, is all.” Sirius turns to Remus, who still looks bewildered. “What the fuck was that all about?”

“I really can’t say.” Remus looks back and forth between James and Sirius. “You came, then? I didn’t think you would.”

“Evidently not, since you let that bastard put his hands all over you.” Sirius is practically growling. James lets out a small groan before reaching for Sirius’ arm.

“C’mon, let’s get you some air. Again, Remus, I’m sorry, Sirius isn’t himself tonight-”

“Will you bloody stop it!” Sirius shakes out of James grasp. “This has nothing to do with you!”

“Look, please stop.” Remus has a hand on each of the boys’ arms. As furious as Sirius is, he can’t help the small thrill that runs through him when he feels the heat of Remus’ hand. “James, why don’t you grab us a couple of drinks, yeah? I’ll talk to Sirius outside.”

James looks at Remus carefully for a minute before nodding slowly and setting off towards the bar. Sirius finds himself being pulled roughly out the back door, into the familiar shadows of the alley.

Remus is standing in front of him, running a hand through his curls. “Alright, will you please tell me what’s going on? Why are you here? Why did you storm over and start shouting at me?”

“What do you mean, why am I here? I’m here to see you. We had plans. I _told_ you I was coming.” Sirius is starting to wonder if he’s been confunded.

Remus is shaking his head, looking at Sirius curiously. “I didn’t think- a lot of people come to shows. They say they’ll come back, but they don’t. I didn’t think-”

“No, you didn’t think.” Sirius’ anger is mingling with his confusion to form an uncomfortable knot in his stomach. “You just figured, hey, my boyfriend isn’t here, so I’ll just let this creeper grope me-”

 _“Boyfriend?”_ Remus’ eyes are wide with shock. Sirius’ stomach tightens even further. He hadn’t meant to say that bit out loud.

“Well, yes, I thought… I mean we didn’t _say,_ but…”

Remus is chewing on his lower lip now, looking distressed. Despite Sirius’ discomfort, he takes a moment to enjoy the sight of Remus’ lip ring, which he has worn tonight, just as Sirius had asked.

“Sirius… why would you think we’re- er, _boyfriends?”_

Sirius tries to look affronted at the question, though he can feel his cheeks coloring. “I just- you know, we hit it off, and then we- here, in the alley, and then we talked, and I said I’d be back to see you again, and you said that’d be ace, and I thought…” He trails off helplessly.

Remus crosses his arms over his chest, hugging himself tightly. Sirius looks around quickly before pulling out his wand and casting a warming charm, reaching out to pull Remus a bit closer.

Remus sighs a bit, avoiding Sirius’ gaze. “Look, I’m sorry if you thought… I mean, we got off in the alley at a show. That’s not- it doesn’t mean anything. Everyone does it. And you’re so- you’re fit, and funny, and a bit of a cocky bastard, and I didn’t think...”

Sirius grins, brushing the curls from Remus’ face, careful not to press against the bruising under his eye. Remus must have thought that Sirius was playing with him. Quite daft of him, really. Sirius Black doesn’t play games. Still, Remus doesn’t know that yet. Sirius will have to show him how wrong he’s been. “Well I did come back, didn’t I? I like you. A lot. I may have been a bit rash about the whole thing on the first go round, but now that we’ve sorted things, let’s give it a go, yeah?”

Remus looks up at Sirius incredulously. “You can’t mean that. You’re a wizard.”

Sirius snorts. “Yeah, last time I checked. Same as you.”

“We’re _not_ the same. I’m a bloody monster.” Remus’ tone is sharp now as his eyes narrow. “You’ve got friends, school, a family who cares about you. We’re not the same at all.”

“I’ve got James, and that’s all. James and his parents. I’ve not got my own family, not anymore.” Sirius is trying not to snap at Remus, but he can’t help it. “My family’s a bunch of hateful, bigoted arseholes who’d rather see me dead than happy. Can you say that about your family?”

Remus cringes, letting his shoulders hunch. “I… no, my parents aren’t like that. They love me. I just… I stressed them out too much, so I left. It’s better this way.”

Sirius raises an eyebrow, skeptical as to what in the world a bloke like Remus could possibly do to stress someone out. Remus catches his look, wincing as he moves one hand to cover the crook of his left arm.

“There was an accident. At a party. I, er, overdid it. Wasn’t used to it, didn’t know what to expect.” Remus is biting at his lower lip again. Sirius glances down to where Remus is gripping his arm. Through the cracks between his long, slender fingers, Sirius can see a few scattered marks.

Track marks.

He inhales sharply, trying to meet Remus’ eyes, although Remus is looking down at the ground intently. “Don’t. It’s not a big deal. I know how to handle myself now.” Remus sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. “It’s just nice, sometimes, to get away from everything. No pain, no moon, no war. But my parents, they don’t get it. So I left. It’s better this way.”

Sirius grabs Remus’ arm, pushing his hand away, tracing the marks with his own fingers lightly. He’s always been considered something of a bad boy at school, and is no stranger to firewhisky, cigarettes, dope. This, however… Sirius has never seen anyone use hard drugs. McKinnon has told him horror stories about smack and how easy it is to overdose. If McKinnon is afraid to try something, you know it’s no good.

Remus is unnaturally quiet. Sirius realizes that Remus is holding his breath. He moves to rest one hand on Remus’ shoulder, using the other to tilt Remus' chin upwards so that their eyes can lock in on each other. Sirius grins down at Remus, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. Remus just doesn't realize that Sirius isn't the sort of bloke to cut and run when things get messy. He's tough. He'll be there for Remus, and Remus won't have to turn to other sources of comfort.

"You know, I've been through some shit too, you know. It's fine. I still want to be with you." Sirius smirks confidently as he leans in for another kiss, but he finds himself shoved backwards against the brick. Remus looks upset as he brushes the curls out of his eyes, wrapping his arms around his middle once more.

"Oh, Merlin, I can't..." Remus is looking at Sirius with trepidation. "Look, I like you too, but I can't be in a- a relationship right now. Not with you, not with anyone. It's fine if that's what you want, but you won't have that with me. It was nice meeting you, Sirius. I suppose I'll see you around."

He turns to head back into the club, but Sirius grabs his arm lightly before he can get far. Sirius isn't sure what to think. He's never been in this sort of situation before. He's never even gone past snogging, not before Remus. Sirius can understand being wary of relationships- he himself has never been all that interested in any of the tedious people who chase after him at school. He’s just not used to being on the other side of the equation.

Sirius’ thoughts are a bit of a blur as he tries to think quickly of something to say that will make Remus change his mind. "Wait- I… look, I understand if you don't want that. But can't we still be friends?”

Remus pauses, turning to look at Sirius worriedly. He’s not leaving, though. Sirius takes this as a sign that Remus’ resolve is beginning to weaken. He keeps talking, feeling more confident now that he’s got Remus’ attention.

“Can't I still owl you and meet up with you at shows and everything? If it's just as friends? Honestly, that prat James is going to continue to pester you no matter what, so you might as well agree to it. Can't shake a Potter once they've got their claws in you."

Remus laughs at this, flashing his sunny smile, the one that makes Sirius go all wobbly inside. "Well... I suppose we can be friends, then. Since I've no choice in the matter."

Sirius feels much better as he laughs along with Remus. He knew he'd be able to win Remus over. Grinning wickedly, Sirius takes a step closer to Remus, letting his fingers drift down Remus' arm slowly.

"Well, in that case, seeing as we're friends... I'd hate for us to be on unequal footing, and I do believe there's a favor that needs returning."

Remus looks confused for a moment, but his eyes widen in understanding as Sirius pulls him closer, moving his lips to his neck and letting his breath brush hotly against Remus' ear. "All in the name of friendship, of course."

Remus' breath hitches as he moves his hands to grip Sirius' arse. "I wouldn't be adverse to that. As long as we keep it... you know. Casual." A small whine escapes from his lips as Sirius' tongue starts tracing its way down his neck languidly, as Sirius' fingers start undoing the fly of his jeans.

Sirius smiles into the crook of Remus' neck happily. He's got Remus. Maybe not exactly in the way he wants him, not yet, but there's no rush. Sirius Black always gets what he wants, eventually.

\- - - - - - -

**Moony- Please tell me that you'll be able to meet up in Hogsmeade this weekend. James has been nagging me nonstop and I need someone to distract him. Also, I've read the latest issue of Sniffin' Glue zine that you sent me. Ace stuff. I suppose I should return it, but honestly, the photo of Joe Strummer flipping off Johnny Rotten is going to be hard to give up. -Sirius**

_Sirius- I'll be there. Did you hear that the Sex Pistols found a replacement for Matlock? Some bloke called Sid Vicious. Cruel parents. Or boss parents, not sure. You can keep the zine. You need something punk to keep you sane in that snooty school of yours. -R_

**Moony- Spring hols are coming up. I know James has owled you about visiting us, and I hope you'll say yes. I've got my own room, so you can stay as long as you like and enjoy Mr Potter's cooking. He makes the best aloo matter. Burns the shit out of the roti, but thankfully the house elves keep a close eye on him while he's near the oven. -Sirius**

_Sirius- Thanks for letting me stay with you. Hope I didn't put you out too much. It was nice to get a few home cooked meals, but Merlin, does James ever shut his trap about this Evans person? I'm surprised she hasn't hexed his bollocks off by now- or has she? I didn't think it was polite to ask. -R_

**Moony- Being back at school is the worst. I miss seeing you every day. Once school is out, we've got to spend more time in muggle London. Without James, if possible. I don't fancy any more run ins with those muggle aurors. They're a rude lot. How does one "disturb a piece" anyway? Let me know if you've decided on which NEWTs to take next year, by the way, and I'll ask Minnie about getting a copy of the reading lists you'll need. -Sirius**

_Sirius- It's called "disturbing the peace," and one accomplishes that by screaming Buzzcocks lyrics in the middle of the street at three in the morning in front of a boarding house. I'm in Paris now, doing a show. McKinnon is swooning over her London bird, and Rob's always out on the pull, so I'm forced to listen to her pining. I've intercepted a few of their notes and, er, edited them a bit, but I'm not sure if either of them have noticed. -R_

**Moony- Finally, summer hols are here! You up for a trip to the seaside? Too cold to swim, but Brighton's got a few pubs and other things to do. Plus, I'll be there. That should be enough of a draw. We never nailed down your NEWTs, by the way. Let me know and I can owl Minnie for information. Have you thought any more about that note Dumbledore sent you about a meeting? I'll go with you, if you like. The old fool loves me. Well, he loves James, anyway, but he’s forced to love me by association. -Sirius**

_Sirius- I'm always down for the seaside. Just need to know the dates. I appreciate your concern, but honestly, I think I will be fine with just my OWLs. It's not like anyone in the wizarding world will hire me. As for Dumbledore's request, I think I would prefer to wait on that for now. -R_

\- - - - - - -

**_Thursday, 21 July 1977:  
The Roxy Presents: Siouxsie  & The Banshees, The Unwanted, Swank, The Lunatics_ **

_You tell me that you want to let me flee_  
_You tell me that you fucking rage for me_  
_You tell me that you want to set me free_  
_You’re just another fucking cage for me_

Sirius is certain that he's cheering the loudest as the Lunatics wrap up their final song and depart the stage, flipping off the crowd as they drag their equipment to the back room. Sirius and James each grab one side of an amp and follow suit, casting a surreptitious hovering charm as they walk.

Sirius' eyes are trained on Remus' arse as they enter the back room to pack up. Even as he returns the grin that Remus flashes over his shoulder, Sirius can't help but feel his stomach knot up a bit.

Over the past six months, Remus has become an integral part of Sirius' life. They owl back and forth constantly. Sirius sends Remus sweets from Hogsmeade and quills nicked from his rat-like dorm mate who's constantly trying to chat with him. Remus sends Sirius magical pictures of Rob balancing shot glasses on his head while McKinnon shoots them with her wand.

They've met up a few times on Hogsmeade weekends, usually with James tagging along, but since school's let out, they've been able to spend more time alone together, away from James' prattling and constant hogging of Remus' attentions.

Sirius thinks back to the last few nights that Remus has stayed over at the Potters' house after the three boys had stayed up late drinking firewhisky, smoking dope and daring each other to try increasingly revolting concoctions mixed up in Mr. Potter's lab. Remus had slept with Sirius, in his bed, although they’d done more than just sleep, of course.

Sirius smirks to himself as he remembers last Tuesday evening, when he'd made Remus moan so loudly that they'd nearly shattered the privacy charms. Sirius might be new to all this, but he's always been a fast learner. It doesn't hurt that Remus is an excellent teacher, not to mention that since summer's started, they've been able to practice quite a bit more.

His smirk turns to a frown as he thinks about what happened afterwards, how Remus had fallen asleep with his chest pressed against Sirius' back, his arm wrapped around Sirius' waist, his breath hot against Sirius' neck. Remus had tightened his grip as the night went on, which Sirius knows because he himself stayed awake for a long time, listening to the calm sound of Remus' deep, even breathing. Remus rarely sleeps well, especially when he’s using. His soft snores had been comforting to hear.

Sirius knows that Remus does not consider them to be in a relationship. Still, he is unsure as to how exactly they _aren't_ in one by this point. Remus might not like the label, but it fits their behavior. Sirius suspects that Remus still sees other blokes while the band tours, but he can't be sure. He doesn't like to think about it. The thought of Remus curled up with someone else makes his blood boil.

Sirius is itching to ask Remus about what exactly stops them from being a proper couple, but he's fairly sure he doesn't want to hear the answer. Or worse, scare Remus off for good. What they have is fine, for now. Sirius will keep working on charming Remus, until he's so thoroughly besotted that he'll have no choice but to admit that he's got feelings for Sirius and wants to make a proper go of it.

"Oi, did you see her? She's a fucking goddess." James' eyes are glassy as he stares out the door of the back room where the next band is dragging their gear towards the stage. Remus’ drumsticks are dangling carelessly from one hand.

"Who?" Sirius raises an eyebrow as he grabs the drumsticks.

"Siouxsie Sioux. She's perfection." James sighs, grinning happily as Remus snickers.

"James said hello to her, and she told him to fuck off. Now he's in love." Remus is still smirking, but Sirius narrows his eyes as notices that Remus is shaking a bit, wincing as he wipes the sweat from his brow. There are dark circles under his eyes, and his cheeks have an unhealthy pallor.

"I like confident birds, what can I say?" James reaches out to shove Remus, but his hand drops and his brow furrows. "You alright, mate? Looking a bit peaky."

"I'm fine. Show took a lot out of me." Remus smiles weakly as McKinnon passes him a glass of water before dragging Rob out of the room towards the bar.

Sirius goes over to Remus' bag to put away the drumsticks. He's startled when he notices a piece of parchment with the Hogwarts crest stuffed in one of the pockets. "Dumbledore wrote you? Again? What's he want?"

"Er..." Remus shifts uncomfortably. "I don't know. Just to meet."

"Just to meet? Why didn't you say anything?" Sirius is scowling as Remus avoids his gaze. "You know what he wants to meet about. He wants you to join-"

"Sirius! Stuff it!" James' tone is sharp. "Not here."

"I know what he wants." Remus' voice is cool as he stares at Sirius' chin, refusing to meet his eyes. He's sweating again. "I'm not going to meet him."

"What?!" Sirius knows he shouldn't be raising his voice, but he can't help it. "You're not even going to hear him out? We're at war. We can't just sit back and- we've got to _do_ something. All of us."

"It's not about- there are risks. Especially for someone like me." Remus is chewing on his lip ring again, looking over at James helplessly.

"Bugger the risks! We've got to stand up against Voldy and his lot, we can't let that bunch of bigots keep-"

"You don't even know the risks enough to bugger them." Remus' voice is very quiet, but it slices through Sirius' shouts like a knife. "All you know is your family. As horrid as they are, they're not even close to being the worst that's out there."

"It's alright." James' voice is soothing as he rests a hand on Remus' shoulder. "You've got a lot going on. Just... don't be too hasty about closing any doors, yeah?"

Remus looks at James carefully for a few moments before nodding slowly. "Yeah, I won't. I'll send him a reply."

"Good." James gives Remus' shoulder a squeeze. "He'll understand."

"Well I bloody well don't." Sirius is livid. He doesn't like any of this- Remus keeping things from him, Remus being comforted by someone other than Sirius, Remus looking as though he's about to pass out onto the dirty carpet, Remus not realizing that standing up to Voldemort isn't an _option,_ it's a _necessity._

James sighs irritably. "C'mon, let's grab a drink." He makes a move to grab Sirius' arm, but Sirius waves him off.

"We'll meet you out there. Go on."

James looks over at Remus, who nods slightly. "Alright, fine. I have to stop by the loo anyway." He walks out towards the bar, glancing back over his shoulder as he walks.

Sirius walks over to Remus, gripping his shoulders gently. Remus looks a right mess, all sweaty and shaky as if he's about to be sick. "Look, you aren't thinking clearly. Probably because you're on that junk."

Remus shifts away from Sirius, grabbing his forearm tightly. "It's not that. I'm not on anything right now. The moon makes me ill..."

Sirius snorts. "The full's not for another nine days. It's not that. Don't lie." He moves closer to Remus, pulling his hand away from his arm and lacing their fingers together.

"It doesn't matter. I'm thinking perfectly clearly. Because I _know."_ Remus doesn't meet Sirius' eyes, but he doesn't let go of his hand, either. "I see what the other werewolves have to do. What I'd have to do. It's... I can't."

"You can." Sirius is confident. "We can do anything. We'll stand up to those bastards, and then-"

"And then we'll lose. We're already losing." Remus' voice is harsh. "They outnumber us, they're more ruthless. I've heard some of the things they do..."

Remus shudders before looking up at Sirius with a glare. "You don't know what they're capable of. You just want to go out there and play the hero, but you don't know what you're risking."

"How the fuck can you talk to me about risks? You're the one shooting up poison every week." Sirius grips Remus' hand tighter, not letting him pull away. "At least when I'm offed, it'll be because I was doing something worthwhile, not because I felt like getting smashed."

"Fuck you." Remus tries to extract his hand from Sirius' grip, but Sirius refuses to let go. "You don't know what it's like, to be in pain all the time, to lose control of your own body."

Sirius barks out a humorless laugh. "No, of course not. How could I _possibly_ know what it's like to feel uncomfortable in my own fucking body?"

Remus winces at this, which gives Sirius a sickening sense of satisfaction. "You know that junk isn't helping in the long run. I've told you to give it up. Why don't you?"

"I can't." Remus' voice is quiet now. He looks even closer to spewing.

"Yes, you can." Sirius is confident as he wraps his free arm around Remus, holding him close. "Would you just try? For me? Or for James? You know he'd go spare if he knew how often you did it. Don't want me to tell him, do you?"

Remus growls irritably as he presses his face into Sirius' neck. "I don't know."

"Please?" Sirius presses a kiss to Remus' temple, smirking as the shorter boy nuzzles deeper against his neck.

"Fine. I suppose I could try." Remus sounds dejected, but Sirius isn't fussed as he lifts Remus' chin so they can have a proper snog.

As they head out to meet James at the bar, Sirius feels much lighter than he has in weeks. He looks over at Remus, whose shoulders are slumped as he stares at the floor, looking listless.

Sirius throws an arm around his shoulders. _He_ is’t worried in the least. Remus has got him and James now. He doesn't need the smack. He'll clean up and come around. Sirius is sure of it.

\- - - - - - -

**Moony- Sex Pistols On Tour Secretly. Are we in? What’s the buzz? I can’t believe they’re bloody banned from performing. You don’t get any more punk than that. In the meantime, here’s a little something to remind you of me since I’ll not see you for a fortnight. I wish you’d let me ditch James and be your roadie. Rob drops all your gear and dents it up. You need a fit bloke on tour with you for the heavy lifting. -Sirius**

_Sirius- We’re in. James and I are working out the logistics. We’ll probably see them at Doncaster. They’re performing as the Tax Exiles. I’m not sure why you think an animal vertebrae will remind me of you, but I suppose thanks are in order. -R_

**Moony- It’s a bloody dinosaur bone. Nicked it from Dippy the Diplodocus while James and I were at the Natural History Museum. It is bad ass. James gave me the info for the S.P.O.T.S. show. Sounds ace. Are you sure we can’t meet up earlier? I want to see you. James just got word that he’ll Head Boy next year, and he’s already insufferable. Frankly, I blame you and your swotty influence, advising him to do that extra tutoring to impress Evans. Honestly, you call yourself a punk, but I am skeptical. -Sirius**

_Sirius- I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Dippy is a model. He’s not real. I appreciate the sentiment, of course. I’ll see you at the show, I’m not able to get away sooner. -R_

**Moony- Can you believe the Clash is on the charts? Complete Control is up to number 28 I believe. I still can’t comprehend how that git Strummer made it big. I’m glad you fucked with his amps every time they were at the Roxy. I’ll always treasure those memories. You looked good at the S.P.O.T.S. show. You’ve been staying clean? It shows. -Sirius**

_Sirius- Strummer’s got talent. I’m happy for their success. Nice seeing you as well. Think McKinnon has us booked for a bunch of shows, so I probably won’t see you for awhile -R_

**Moony- Strummer’s lyrics are worse than that love poem James wrote to Donna Fawcett in second year compared to yours. You’re bloody brilliant. Wish you’d use those prose skills to write me more often, but whatever. How are you feeling? Are you pumped for the Sex Pistols’ album this October? -Sirius**

_Sirius- “Comparison is the thief of joy.” -R_

**Moony- None of my questions were answered, thank you very much. We made it back to school safe and sound, by the way. James is already unbearable in his new Head Boy role, forcing me to stop pranking our rat-like dorm mate and revise for NEWTS, which are still nine months away. He’s making headway with Evans as well, thanks to your advice, no doubt. You’ve created a monster. -Sirius**

**Moony- Everything alright? Haven’t heard from you. McKinnon says you lot haven’t had many shows. If you’ve got the time, let’s meet up in Hogsmeade. -Sirius**

_Sirius- Apologies. I’ve been busy. Sex Pistols’ album is ace. Yes, I’m feeling fine. Please stop asking. -R_

\- - - - - - -

**_Saturday, 10 December 1977  
The Roxy Presents: Menace, Backlash, The Void, The Lunatics_ **

Remus won’t stop tapping his fingers on the edge of the bar as he lights a fresh cigarette with his last one. The empty glass in front of him is overflowing with butts and ash, even though they’ve only been standing here for twenty minutes. James is telling a story about how he caught two third years in their pants on his rounds, but Remus isn’t listening. Neither is Sirius. He’s too busy staring at Remus through narrowed eyes.

“What’s wrong with you?” Sirius’ tone is sharp. Remus jumps, blinking owlishly.

“Nothing.” Remus is looking around the room, still tapping those fingers. He sounds snippy. Sirius notices that he’s grinding his teeth.

“Nerves, eh?” James grins as he motions to the bartender, who comes over and refills their shot glasses with vodka. He pushes two glasses down the bar before raising his own. “Cheers to another boss show.” James tosses back his own shot before punching Remus gently on the shoulder.

Sirius knocks his own shot back quickly, still staring at Remus, who peers at his own shot closely before bringing it to his lips. He’s still tapping those fucking fingers. Sirius wants to grab his hand and crush it in his grip to make it stop.

“You’re full of shit.” Sirius is glaring at Remus now. He plucks the cigarette from Remus’ lips and takes a drag himself before stamping it out. “You said you’d stopped.”

“I _did_ stop.” Remus’ eyes shift back and forth. _Tap tap tap tap tap-_

“Don’t fucking lie.” _Tap tap tap tap tap-_ Sirius grits his own teeth tightly at the sound.

“I’m _not._ I said no smack.” _Tap tap tap tap tap-_

James looks back and forth between them warily. “Hey, why don’t we get another round-  
“Shut the fuck up, James. And you- the fuck are you on then? Don’t _lie.”_ Sirius can’t take it anymore, pressing his hand on top of Remus’ to still the tapping.

Remus jerks his hand away quickly, rubbing his nose. “Nothing. Rob and I did a line in the loo.”

Sirius growls irritably. “You said you were going to stay clean.”

“I said no smack. I’m not a liar.” Remus throws his shoulders back defiantly. “It was just a couple of lines. That shit’s pricey. Daft to turn it down. It’s not a big deal.”

“Looks like Rob and McKinnon are starting to set up. Let’s go help.” James moves to stand up from his stool, but Remus raises his hands and shakes head.

“No, you two, just stay. Or don’t. I’ll see you after the show, or whatever.” Remus turns to walk away, bumping into a taller bloke who’s coming up to the bar with a few of his mates. Sirius recognizes him as the drummer for Menace, some bloke called Martin.

Martin looks alarmed as he reached out a hand to steady Remus. “Alright there, mate?”

Remus scowls, rubbing his arm. “Fuck off.”

Martin shakes his head. “Keep it together, kid.” His mates, whom Sirius supposes are rest of Menace, are smirking and jeering next to him.

“Fuck _off!”_ Remus presses a hand to Martin’s chest and gives him a shove. Martin staggers backwards, but stands his ground.

“Watch it, Lupin. Get on the fucking stage, before I- _FUCK!”_ Martin’s threat is cut short as Remus abruptly swings his fist into Martin’s face, where it crashes into his nose with a sickening crack.

 _“Fuck,_ what the-” Martin returns the favor, swinging at Remus as he holds a bloody hand to his face. Remus stands his ground and ducks, letting the fist graze his jaw before launching himself at Martin, swinging wildly.

The other blokes from Menace start grabbing at Remus, trying to pull him off their drummer. Sirius doesn’t hesitate. He sees red as he makes his way over to the bassist and fucking decks him before moving on to the next bloke.

It only takes a few seconds before Sirius loses track of who exactly he’s hitting. All he’s concentrating on is raining pain on anyone who dares to lay their hands on his Moony. Every crunch of bone he feels under his fists sends a thrill through his body.

“Oi! Sirius, get- ow, _fuck!”_ James is holding his ribs where a stray elbow has jabbed him. He looks a bit bewildered as he attempts to asses the situation. Shrugging, he reaches for the nearest Menace bloke and starts wailing on him.

Sirius feels his head spinning as he’s pulled apart from one of the blokes by a bouncer, who gets his own punch in as he drags Sirius to the entrance, shoving him onto the street. He doesn’t hear what the bouncer is yelling at James, who seems to be answering with his own string of curses as he drags Remus out of the club. Sirius doesn’t comprehend much of anything as he struggles to wipe the blood out of his eyes with shaking hands.

He makes his way over to where James and Remus are standing on the side of the building. James has his hands on Remus’ shoulders, muttering something as Remus shakes his head vigorously. Sirius pushes James out of the way and attempts to wrap his arms around Remus. He’s surprised to find himself being pushed backwards roughly.

“Get the fuck off. Why can you never mind your own business?” Remus’ eyes are still wild as he gives Sirius’ chest another shove.

“What, you wanted me to sit back and watch those bastards pound the shit out of you?” Sirius is breathing heavily, swatting James’ hands away from the cut on his forehead. He can see people gathering on the sidewalk to watch, but he doesn’t give a fuck.

“I was doing fine. _Fuck!_ Why do you have to _push_ so fucking hard?” Remus has his hands pressed to the sides of his head, gripping his curls tightly.

“Can we please take this back to the fucking house?” James’ plea goes unacknowledged.

“Why do _you_ have to do stupid shit all the time? You could have been killed!” Sirius is so tired of Remus acting this way, acting as though it’s perfectly fucking normal to take on four blokes at once for no fucking reason.

“HA!” Remus is laughing now, nearly doubling over as he starts pacing. “You don’t know.” He clutches at the crook of his left elbow. “You don’t know what I go through every month. You weren’t there when I-” He squeezes his arm as he shakes his head. “You don’t fucking know. You don’t see. If you saw how fucked up- if you saw, you’d leave.”

“I wouldn’t!” Sirius reaches out to grab Remus by the arms, holding him in place so he stops his fucking pacing. “I wouldn’t leave. I’m not an arsehole.”

“No, you’re an idiot.” Remus looks tired now as he reaches up to rub one eye. “This is getting ridiculous. This is what happens. People get close and they get hurt.”

“How the fuck would you know? You never let anyone get close.” Sirius’ voice is shaking. “If you let me-”

“No.” Remus backs away, running a hand down his face. He looks at James for a moment before turning and heading down the street, walking briskly.

“Oi! _Oi!_ Come back here, you fucking wanker!” Sirius starts to follow, but James steps behind him, wrapping his arms around Sirius tightly. Sirius struggles to push him away, but the prat refuses to let him go.

“Just stop. You need to stop.” James’ voice is calm. Sirius stops struggling, watching helplessly as Remus keeps walking down the street. He watches until Remus gets lost in the crowd, but Remus never looks back.

\- - - - - - -

**Moony- You have to talk to me eventually. I know you talk to James, even though the git won’t tell me what you say to him. I don’t understand why you’re cross with me. I was only trying to help. -Sirius**

**Moony- Don’t be a prat. I’m sorry if I went too far with the fight. I’m sorry I got you kicked out of your gig. McKinnon’s already yelled at me for that, though, so there’s no need for you to keep ignoring me. -Sirius**

**Remus- Happy New Year. I’m sorry. James has informed me that I might possibly have been overbearing about certain things. I hope you understand that I just want to help. -Sirius**

_Sirius- I understand. It’s fine. I know you want to help me, but you can’t. I should never have let things get this far. It’s obvious that we can’t just be friends. It’s been wonderful spending time with you, but now it’s best if we keep our distance. I don’t want to drag you down with me. -Remus_

**Remus- I don’t care about you “dragging me down.” I care about watching you drag yourself down. I care about you, you git. -Sirius**

**Remus- Where are you? Please talk to me. I miss you. -Sirius**

**Please?**

 

\- - - - - - -

**_Saturday, 11 March 1978  
The Roxy Presents: French Lessons, The Plague, Perverse Velvet, The Lunatics_ **

“-and we’re changing up the set, but it should work.” McKinnon claps James on the shoulder. “Thanks for coming out to see the new lineup’s debut.”

“We wouldn’t miss it.” James is grinning as he passes Sirius a fresh drink. Sirius downs it quickly, not looking at the others. McKinnon and Rob had introduced them to their new drummer when they first arrived, but Sirius hasn’t bothered to remember his name. He looks like a right prat, grinning like a jackass and fussing with his horrid mohawk.

“Well, time to set up. See you after.” McKinnon punches Sirius on the arm playfully, though her smile fades a bit as she meets his blank expression. The Lunatics head towards the stage chattering amongst each other. Sirius reaches out to grab James’ drink, tossing it back silently.

“If you’re going to be a moody git, we can leave.” James has one eyebrow raised.

Sirius glowers at him. “Fuck off.”

James shrugs. “I heard from him. Couple of weeks ago. He’s… I think he’s alright, but-”

“I don’t give a shit.” Sirius turns away from James, who sighs loudly.

“Whatever you say, mate.” James doesn’t say another word as the Lunatics start in on their first song. He’s been unbearably mature ever since he and Evans started dating. Yet another reason to be pissed at Remus. James is a fucking git who would never have managed to snag a clever bird like Evans without his advice.

Sirius _doesn’t_ give a shit. He hasn’t heard from Remus in weeks. Months, really. He knows James talks to him sometimes. That doesn’t mean he wants to hear about it.

“This drummer is shit. Can’t stay on beat. The fuck did McKinnon dig him up from?” Sirius scowls as he nicks another drink from the bar, not caring who it belongs to or what’s in it.

James elbows him gently. “You could reach out to him, you know.”

Sirius scowls. “No, I can’t. And I won’t. I don’t fucking care.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” James grabs Sirius by the arm, dragging him to a corner by the loos. Sirius doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t put up a fight, either.

He’s a bit taken aback when James punches him in the gut, harder than necessary. _“Oi!_ The fuck?”

“Shut up.” James folds his arms across his chest, looking at Sirius irritably. “You’ve been a fucking mess. You can tell me you don’t give a shit all you want, but you’re a fucking liar.”

Sirius rolls his eyes. James sucker punches him again.

“Don’t. You’ve been perpetually stoned before lunch, you’re racking up detentions left and right, you’re brawling like a muggle in the corridors every other bloody day. You won’t pass your NEWTs if you keep this up.”

“Fuck NEWTs.” Sirius rubs his side, glaring at James, the fucking git. “I _don’t_ give a shit, and even if I did- he doesn’t give a shit about me. Never did, probably.”

“He did. He _does._ Bloody clueless gits, the both of you. But that doesn’t matter.” James presses his lips together, giving Sirius his McGonagall face. “You can’t stop caring about someone like that. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Maybe not for Potters. For Blacks, it works perfectly well.” Sirius wants to smack that fucking condescending look off James’ face.

“Look, you fucker, we’ve talked about this. You can’t bend the world to your will. Sometimes you have to just accept people as they are.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Quit it with that drivel.” Sirius is scowling again. “Remus can do as he pleases, but I don’t have to accept shit. If he’s too daft to take care of himself-”

“That’s not it, and you know it.” James peers at Sirius with concern. “People make different choices. You can’t force them to do otherwise. Even if it’s for the best. You know, Agrippa once said-”

“Fucking stuff it with the philosophy shit, or I swear to Merlin, I will _avada kedavra_ myself on the spot!” Sirius feels his hands tighten into fists.

James snickers like the prat he is. “Calm down. I’m just saying. You should reach out to him.”

Sirius feels his shoulders slump. “He’s the one who told me to leave him alone.”

“Yeah, because you were being an overbearing git.” James grins as he dodges Sirius’ half-hearted punch. “I’m just saying! It’s been awhile! Maybe think about sending him a note. See how he’s doing.”

Sirius doesn’t say another word as he fishes around in his pocket for the loose joint that he’s been dying to smoke since they arrived. He clenches it between his lips, allowing James to light it.

He’ll figure out what to do tomorrow. Tonight is for forgetting.

\- - - - - - -

**~~Remus- James is forcing me to write to you~~ **

**~~Remus- I fucking hate you~~ **

**~~Remus- I can’t stop~~ **

**~~Remus- Please, will you~~ **

**~~Remus- Where are you? I want~~ **

**Remus- I hope you’re doing well. It’s been awhile since we spoke. I want to apologise. You were right. I shouldn’t have pushed you. I can’t force you to do things, or not do them. I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable. I hope you’re doing well. -Sirius**

_Sirius- Sorry it took me so long to write you back. I accept your apology. Thank you. I’m sorry, too. I’m doing well. I saw this while I was out in London the other day and thought of you. -Remus_

**Remus- I’m not sure how a beat-up muggle lighter made you think of me, but I suppose thanks are in order. James wants to enchant it to shoot fireworks, so I’ve hid it under my dorm mate’s mattress. Hopefully his bedsheets don’t catch fire, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Where are you staying these days? I’m not trying to pry, I’m just wondering. It’s alright if you’d rather not say. -Sirius**

_Sirius- I nicked it off Sid Vicious while he was stoned out of his mind in the Tesco dairy aisle at nine in the morning. Don’t let James touch it. Once the Sex Pistols go on their reunion tour in twenty years, you can auction it off. Hopefully Sid lasts that long. He’s been a mess since he left the gro  
up. To answer your question, I’ve been staying with my parents. -Remus_

**Remus- Since you’re not out wreaking havoc across the continent with another band, how about meeting up in Hogsmeade sometime? I know James is pestering you about meeting Evans. You two would get along. Evans might be a swot but she’s a real corker. I’d say she’s a smart bird, but then again, she’s dating James. -Sirius**

_Sirius- I’m not sure if meeting up is the best idea. I’m a bit busy right now. I’ve started revising for NEWTs. I’ll only be sitting for a few, but if I do alright, I can always do more next year. Evans seems ace, from James’ descriptions. I’m sure I’ll meet her one of these days, assuming he doesn’t scare her off. -Remus_

**Remus- No worries, we don’t have to meet up if you’re busy. Let me know if you need anything for NEWT prep. I’ve got quite a nice collection of excellent notes. They aren’t technically my notes, but that’s irrelevant, really. -Sirius**

_Sirius- Thanks for looking over my NEWT revision. I particularly enjoyed the very helpful notes you left in the margins regarding additional uses for swelling solutions, although I am fairly sure those uses will not be covered on the exams, you perv. I don’t know if McKinnon mentioned it, but the Roxy’s last night open is in two weeks, and the Lunatics will be performing. Our practices have been going well, so it should be an ace show. If you’re interested. It’d be nice to see you. -Moony_

**Moony- They can shut down the Roxy, but they can never kill punk. Anarchy now and forever! James and I will be there to rage against the system one last time. It’ll be nice to see you, too. -Sirius**

\- - - - - - -

 ******_Monday, 25 April 1978_**  
**_Final Show_**  
**_The Roxy Presents: Auditions / Mystery Bands_**

“You alright?” Evans looks over at Sirius with concern as she fusses with the safety pin that James had her charm through his ear.

“Yeah.” Sirius smiles weakly as he looks around the club. He doesn’t see many familiar faces.

“Moony!” James’ voice booms as he waves frantically to the curly haired boy who’s making his way through the crowd towards them, a guarded smile on his face.

“Alright, James? _Ouff!”_ Remus huffs as James pulls him into a bear hug. Sirius doesn’t pay attention as James introduces Remus to Evans, grinning proudly like a git. He’s too busy watching Remus, searching for signs of… something.

For the first time since Sirius met him, Remus doesn’t look tired. His shoulders don’t stoop as much. When he laughs at some undoubtedly witty comment from Evans, he drops his guarded expression and lets one of his genuine smiles spread across his face.

Sirius ignores the twisting of his stomach as he waves at Remus, being careful not to touch him, even though every molecule in his body is screaming for it. “Alright, Moony?”

Remus looks over at Sirius, chewing on that fucking lip ring for a moment before reaching out and patting Sirius gently on his arm. “Alright, Sirius. Good of you to come.”

The pressure of Remus’ touch is making Sirius’ breath hitch. It’s taking all of his questionable self restraint not to grab Remus and snog him stupid. It’s not like that anymore, he reminds himself. Remus doesn’t need that. He needs Sirius to be a friend, a proper friend this time, and Merlin’s bollocks, that’s exactly what Sirius is going to be, even if it drives him mad.

“James? Why don’t you introduce Lily to McKinnon and Rob? They’re over in the back splashing paint on the amps.” Remus isn’t touching him anymore, but Sirius can still feel the residual heat from his hand.

“Sure, we’ll go over in a minute, but Moony, I’ve got to tell you about this brilliant prank, Operation Garter Snake, Evans taught me this boss charm and the Slytherins’ knickers- _ow!_ What the-?” James rubs his side as he glares at a smirking Evans.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Remus, but we’ll be popping on over to meet the others now.” Evans pulls Remus into a quick hug, causing him to blush. She winks at Sirius as she drags James towards the back. Sirius’ scowl does nothing to temper her amusement.

There’s nothing to be amused about, in Sirius’ opinion. It’s bloody awkward, standing here, surrounded by a bunch of strangers, acting as if he and Remus are just regular mates. As if he and Remus haven’t spent hours mapping out every inch of skin between them. As if he and Remus haven’t spent countless evenings wrapped tightly in each other's’ arms.

Sirius hasn’t got a clue as to what he’s supposed to do, so he does nothing, standing stiffly, feeling like a prat.

Remus coughs, shifting on his feet. “Er… fancy a smoke?”

Sirius lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Fuck, yeah.”

The look at each other for a moment awkwardly before grinning nervously and making their way towards the back door. Once they’re in the familiar alley, Remus lights a joint, leaning against the brick and taking a hit before passing it to Sirius.

“Thanks for coming.” Remus’ voice is calm, but Sirius notices his fingers shaking a bit as he reaches for the joint once Sirius has finished his inhale.

Sirius shrugs. “No problem. Good to see you again.” He sneaks a sideways glance at Remus. “You look… you look good. Er, or whatever.”

Remus blushes, looking down at the ground. “Yeah, well. Mum’s cooking agrees with me, I suppose.” He takes another hit before passing the joint to Sirius, letting their fingers brush together.

Sirius looks up at the stars as he exhales. “They must be happy to have you back at home.”

“Yeah.” Remus is chewing on his lip again, worrying the ring between his teeth. “I came back and it was like nothing had happened. Like I’d never left.”

“They care about you.” Sirius speaks slowly, trying very hard to choose the correct words. “You can let people care about you.” He pauses for a moment. “I miss you. Miss sending you daft notes and fucking with James’ drinks in Hogsmeade and…”

He trails off, taking one more hit. They don’t say anything for a few minutes, passing the joint back and forth until it’s spent. Remus grinds out the last embers beneath the toe of his shoe.

“I know you wanted to help. But you couldn’t.”

Sirius mulls over Remus’ words. “I know that now. I can’t- you need to do things for you.”

“Yes.” Remus is nodding, not looking at Sirius. “I do. I tried to stay away from you, so I wouldn’t hurt you but… I’ve heard that didn’t work so well.”

Sirius curses inwardly. Fucking James, flapping his oversized mouth to Remus. “It doesn’t matter. You need to worry about yourself.”

“Well, that’s just it.” Remus runs a hand through his curls, tugging at them nervously. “Keeping my distance didn’t work so well for me either.”

Sirius turns to face Remus, struggling to maintain his calm. “Are you… what are you saying?”

Remus closes his eyes for a minute before tilting his head and meeting Sirius’ gaze. “I’ve been going to meetings. At St. Mungo’s. It’s not- I can’t make any promises.”

Sirius lets out a sharp bark of laughter. “Nobody can promise anything these days, really.” He thinks about the meetings that he’s been attending with James and Evans, the missions that are being planned for once they graduate.

“James told me Dumbledore’s still interested in speaking with me.” Remus takes a deep breath before continuing. “I’ll talk to him. But I can’t promise anything on that front, either.”

“It’s fine.” Sirius inches a bit closer to Remus, not breaking eye contact. “I won’t push. I’d still like if we could talk again. Be proper mates.”

Remus is blushing furiously as he rubs the back of his neck. “Er, the thing is... maybe I want to be more than mates. I know I’ve no right to more. I’m the one who told you to piss off, but maybe… after some more time…”

Sirius bursts into laughter, nearly doubling over as Remus stares at him incredulously. He manages to pull himself together when he notices that Remus’ shoulders are hunching up. Hurriedly, Sirius grabs Remus by the shoulders, giving him a light shake.

“Moony, we’ve known each other for a year and a half already. We’ve had enough time.”

Remus looks up at Sirius with wide eyes. “So you want- but there’s still shit to work out, and I can’t...” He trails off, chewing on his lower lip in that way that drives Sirius mad.

Sirius presses a quick kiss to Remus’ temple, enjoying the way the shorter boy’s blush deepens. “I don’t give a shit. We’ll make it work. We’ll try.” Sirius thinks about the books James has been digging up from the library, books about werewolf behaviours and animagi processes.

“We _might_ make it work. We might not.” Remus looks up at Sirius. His sunny grin is back, laced with a mischievous streak that Sirius feels the need to snog his face off fiercely. He proceeds to spent the next fifteen minutes doing just that.

As they make their way back into the club with mussed hair and swollen lips, their hands brushing together, Remus leans over to whisper in Sirius’ ear. “We’re opening with a new song. Let me know what you think of it.”

Sirius can’t keep the grin off his face as he grabs Remus’ arse, giving it a quick squeeze before Remus rolls his eyes and shoves him away, a playful smile on his lips as he heads towards his band mates on the stage.

Sirius ignores James’ smug grin as he joins the screaming crowd, though he pats Lily’s hand when she squeezes his shoulder. As McKinnon screams out the Lunatics’ curse-filled intro, Sirius’ eyes remain locked on the curly haired drummer who keeps giving him the eye and shooting a vee with his fingers.

 _You're fingernails on slate_  
_You're the ointment on a bruise_  
_You're that song I fucking hate_  
_You're a melody that soothes_

 _You're the drug that makes me hazy_  
_And the one that keeps me sane_  
_You drive me fucking crazy_  
_And I want you just the same_

Sirius meets Remus’ eye once more. The smug bastard grins and makes a lewd gesture with his drumsticks. Sirius smirks back. _Fuck you_ he mouths wordlessly, and by the way Remus runs his tongue across his teeth, Sirius knows he’s been understood.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me on Tumblr doing Wolfstar and Marauder things @NachoDiablo.


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